Happy New Week!
Depending on where you are, Happy New Reality, too.
Things feel like they’re… moving. We’re getting vaccinated, businesses are welcoming us back in, borders are opening again–we’re finally getting the go-ahead on life.
Disorienting, isn’t it?
I can’t imagine that anyone has been able to seamlessly transition back into Where We Left Off. As I walked home from a friend’s house on Friday night–the first night in over six months that Berlin reopened outdoor dining–the people having their dinner on terraces looked like a surreal parody of Eating In Restaurants as we knew it.
What I saw were people going through the motions, looking slightly bewildered and definitely uncomfortable–Is this how we used to do it?–as if trying to jog their muscle memory of Freedom.
What I saw felt, more than anything, like grief. Perhaps it only looked this way through the lens of my grief, but it felt palpable, like the air was thick with loss. Grief for how it used to be; for what we know now that we didn’t before; of being in suspended animation for so long that we don’t know how to resume anymore; of wanting so much what we had before, but knowing we can’t have it again.
There’s also a profound grief in recognising the fragility of ease. The newfound awareness of easeful moments–that used to be in such abundance, that we might not have even noticed them–is nerve-wracking.
I walked through Mauerpark this morning and it was so beautiful. The trees are in full, verdant leaf now, flowers are in bloom, and people were working out or strolling in groups. There was a sense of daring to hope this was OK; that nothing that feels easy or joyful anymore isn’t paired with caution.
It will get better, and we will find “normal” again, but it will never be the same as it was.
So I guess the conclusion of this story is, don’t invite me out to enjoy life with you anytime soon folks, I will ruin it for you!
I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I am like this.
For all the things I’ve lost this year, I’ve also gained a great deal of clarity in terms of what really matters to me (this has also cost me several friendships, which can also go in the “lost” pile).
One of my fundamental values, which has always mattered to me but has now become a non-negotiable, is honesty.
I can’t overstate how into honesty I am. I love few things more than emotional transparency and vulnerability; I don’t know how to talk to someone if they’re not telling me who they really are. (There are times I’ve really enjoyed speaking to someone and found out later that they were on the spectrum, or had a literal brain injury that made them lose their filter.)
It’s weird and intense for most people (I find I am weird and intense for most people)–but for me, it’s such a relief to cut the crap and know where I stand with someone. It can also be incredibly hot.
On my first date with my now-boyfriend (a big one for the “gained” pile), he brought up basic trust. I already knew he studied psychology (men who do therapy–so hot), and thought it boded well that “basic trust” was a concept he could articulate, let alone bring up on a first date. Sure enough, he has made it so easy to trust him by modeling what transparency and good communication look like.
I didn’t even know I was capable of total trust, but it turned out to be easy when our values aligned. There’s nothing we avoid talking about, which, ironically, helps us avoid a lot of conflicts. Conversations that might seem difficult are the ones I look forward to (nothing more exhausting than keeping how you feel to yourself, IMO)–I understand this is a very weird thing for a lot of people, and you have to really feel the same way about it for this to work.
The friendships I have now are the ones in which I know you’ll tell me what you really think and that I can do the same–it could be communicating a boundary, expressing a need or calling out blind spots–and that we’ll both receive it with a growth mindset, without an attachment to ideas that we like to have.
Accountability, especially, is a really hard thing to have forced on us; I think that who we like to think we are is the biggest obstacle to hearing the truth about ourselves, and it can make us shut down and shut out what we’re hearing.
I see this a lot in conversations about allyship. I’ve had several conversations with people who believe themselves to be allies; however, when challenged about problematic behaviour that is inconsistent with who they say they are, they become very resistant. “I don’t like what I’m hearing,” I’ve been told, and “this isn’t who I am.”
The thing about allyship is that you can’t profess to be an ally if you refuse to listen to the people you say you’re allying with; you can’t truly advocate for someone if you’re not willing to let them tell you when your advocacy is off the mark.
I’ve found that my honesty can come across as rude and abrasive, depending on who’s receiving it; I accept it’s not for everyone, and that sometimes these are also people don’t want to hear truth that’s inconvenient, no matter how delicately it’s delivered.
Personally, I want to be told when I’m wrong, because I won’t always see it. As self-aware as I try to be, I’m as capable of problematic behaviour as anyone else. Have I been an asshole? Did I say something dumb or hurt your feelings? Please tell me!! I promise I want to know.
I’ve been made aware of some very shitty aspects of my character and I’m nothing but grateful (OK, I’m also mortified–but that’s on me) because it helps me be better.
(The only thing I’m not open to is being asked to apologise for making someone feel uncomfortable by challenging problematic behaviour–sorry boo, your fragility is your business!)
Hearing the truth is deeply uncomfortable; that is the first thing to make peace with when embracing radical honesty. We’re going to hear a lot of things that we don’t like, and that will make us question ourselves.
That is the entire point.
Self-inquiry has to be the basis of personal growth; if we’ve committed to growth, then knowing that we haven’t already arrived (and perhaps we never will) is the prerequisite. We’re always learning, and we need honesty to help us do that.
It only hurts when it hits an idea about ourselves that we like to have. As soon as we release that, it’s all growth, baby :)
Things that helped this week
This frothy pink fountain of a tree:
Women supporting women
I love, love, love seeing women giving each other props–so I’m a huge supporter of communities set up to help empower and amplify women, like this one. Its founder Tamara is the kind of woman in business I f with: I feel confident that she’ll actively acknowledge and share anything I contribute and attach my name to it; she also offers a lot of her own knowledge and resources to her community.
She wrote an important post today on women giving their time and work away for free (and how we can stop)–check it out.
New skincare
My skincare is 90% K-beauty, which is an entire science I don’t fully understand but I’ve learned that it works. This is the first time I’m trying this brand–I haven’t even received it yet, but I’m already recommending it because I was sold on the ingredients alone, and the reviews are amazing.
Exuberance
My best friend sent me this and it was full of things I really, really needed to hear–it reminded me that my core values are also curiosity and joy, both of which have been neglected lately. You might appreciate it too, if you’ve been feeling unmotivated. It’s kind of the opposite of this other piece that everyone has been talking about for a couple of months.
Tea that doesn’t give me the sh**s
I come from three of the world’s biggest tea-drinking countries (India, Japan, and Britain), but I don’t think I’ve seen a greater variety of teas than in Germany. Germans love tea—sadly, they also seem to love Süßholz (liquorice), which I can’t stomach.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I found this lovely rose tea from a brand that I don’t usually drink because it puts Süßholz in everything else. If you love a good floral tea that won’t give you diarrhea (which of us doesn’t?), try this one!
Episodic careers
I feel like many of us have thought about work, purpose, and WTF we’re doing in our careers over the past year. If this is you, you might find this conversation very enlightening indeed. I used to listen to this podcast long before its brilliant host Caitlin and I became pals—if you’re into knowledge, and not already a subscriber, I highly recommend.
Badass earworms
I have met many racist, sexist boys–not once have I ever written a punk rock anthem about them, but I’m glad now I have a dope song to sing the next time I meet one. These girls are the coolest, and this song has been playing in my head all week.
Good words
Not in a bon mots sense; these words are perfectly put together to articulate what I cannot. It is so sad, but I’m so glad someone expressed it so beautifully.
1 out of 2
Cats that helped this week
I was away for a few days this week so I missed quality time with my children–but I was graced with the company of other very sweet kitties.
This agile fellow apparently felt ignored so he sat where I would be sure to see him. High maintenance but cute, so he gets many forgives.
Caitlin’s perfect daughter Clara is exactly as bougie as she looks. When she makes her entrance into society, it’s over for these hoes.
I also intend to debut my girl; elegance personified, really.
It’s already over for all the hoes, tbh. Flawless.
Today is a bank holiday and, for once, it’s not raining. This means Everyone Is Outside. I cannot tell you how much I hate it.
However, I intend to join them, because Otto is serving sick tacos til today only, and I’ve been lusting after the fermented potato and canola shoot ones all weekend. I’ve already had my Schnelltest (negative, woohoo) which I’ll be proffering at any establishment that will have me, for today only.
Wish me luck!
God speed,
Love that apart from honesty and transparency, curiosity is one of your core values. Hugely important. Xx