How is everyone? From what I can tell, this has been a hard week for a lot of people - most of my meetings cancelled this week for no other reason than people just couldn’t. I opened these messages, replied to the effect of, “I totally understand” and then resumed staring into the void.
It’s hardly surprising. There’s only so much isolated, uninspiring monotony that a person can take, and the only thing worse than “More Of The Same” is “More Of The Same Plus Bad Things”. Isolation is starting to take on a sinister feeling of a horror film where all the while that nothing bad is happening, you are sitting there worrying about when it will.
Wow, I am intense.
Anyway:
Notable things that happened this week
I got my period. Again. And realised that this is how I count now.
I ate two more bars of that chocolate I recommended last week.
My boobs finally caught up to my weight gain (rejoice!).
Enjoyed one (1) day of actual Spring before it started raining again.
Flossed every day.
I have to ask - do you all floss?
I ask, because last week I went to the dentist for my (now-)annual cleaning.
(I should preface this by saying that the only reason I went is because I’ve recently discovered that my health insurance includes one annual cleaning, for which I have been paying, but not using.)
The hygenist looked in my mouth and said, “Hm. It’s been a while since your last clean, huh?”(She was right, but we don’t need to get into specifics.)
After some exceedingly pokey poking around in my mouth, she sat next to me and said gravely, “You have very deep pockets. Has anyone ever explained to you what that means?”
In idiomatic English, “deep pockets” are something I most certainly do not have, so I assumed we were talking about different things. We were. She explained that pockets are where bacteria gathers in between the tooth and the gum, and mine were deep. Gross.
Then, great, great pain ensued.
So anyway, now I garotte my gums nightly so that I don’t have to a) subject myself to another 30 minutes of hell ever again, and b) see that look on my hygenist’s face ever again. When all we can see of people right now are their eyes, disappointment (or indeed any look starting with “dis-”) is something I very much hope to avoid.
Speaking of floss, thongs are the worst.
This was the unanimous (can a vote between two people be unanimous? whatever) conclusion my friend Caitlin and I came to while discussing our preferred underwear. We laughed about styles that men think are sexy (basically, this) versus the styles we actually wear - and discovered that we wear exactly the same underwear: Weekday Soft Bras and the high-waisted style from GAP’s Breathe line ie. the biggest, softest briefs on the market. Our twenties were for underwires, seams, and the male gaze; in our thirties, underwear exists solely for our comfort.
Barely were we done revelling in our frumpy smugness, than we realised that our preferred style no longer appeared on the site. We immediately descended into squawky flapping, culminating in the following exchange between me and GAP customer service:
Subject: High-waisted Breathe briefs
Hello! I can’t see the High-waisted Breathe briefs on the website - are they still available?
Best
Meera
Subject: RE: High-waisted Breathe briefs
Dear Meera,
Thank you for your email. I really appreciate your interest in our products. We only receive a limited supply of merchandise for each collection, and once our products have sold out, they may not be replenished. [Note: THE CASUAL CALLOUSNESS WITH WHICH SHE DELIVERED THIS BLOW! Breathtaking.]
I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. However, we release unique new collections every 4-6 weeks with many great styles to choose from. With all the new styles coming out we’re sure to have something that fits your needs soon!
Sincerely,
Michelle
Gap Inc Customer Service
Subject: RE: RE: High-waisted Breathe briefs
Hi Michelle
Thanks so much for your reply! I’m very committed to that particular style as it took me a lifetime to find the perfect brief - I’m sure you can relate!
I really hope they are only temporarily out of stock..!
Best
Meera
I can’t confirm whether Michelle could relate, because Michelle did not reply.
After Caitlin and I morosely reassured each other that it must only be a stock issue, and surely they would be back, I remarked that this really seemed like a “30-something woman who lives alone” problem.
And maybe it is - but, apart from bloomer-related tragedies, I happen to love being a 30-something woman who lives alone. Last week, I found myself sprawled on my sofa in very old, very ugly, very comfy sweats (over afore-mentioned big briefs) and a lovingly-cooked dinner-for-one, guffawing obnoxiously over bad TV that no one else would voluntarily watch with me, and stroking my own head. I was happier than anyone else had ever made me.
That was a life-defining moment - one where I realised that in my relationship, there will always be Another Woman: me. And my partner will have to be OK with sharing me with myself.
I can’t say exactly how I got to this point, except that it’s taken me years, and many calamities in my personal life. The process has been very ugly, like making sausage out of my heart and my dreams. (I joke, but that’s actually exactly what it was.) For years I would avoid being alone with myself at all costs, and the idea of eating alone in public seemed like the most mortifying thing in the world. Eventually, I think, we end up happy alone, because what other goddamn choice do we have.
I’m kidding. I mean, it is a process - it reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, by C.S. Lewis:
“Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.”
I feel like this applies to so many big life changes, and is a good reminder particularly for personalities like mine for whom all, even minor, inconveniences seem terminal and permanent.
Note to self: I should do a separate blog post on minor inconveniences that seem terminal and permanent.
Enjoying my own company has certainly helped me survive lockdown. In fact, I often wonder these days how I’m going to adjust to coming out of it, and this piece by Laurie Penny addressed my suspicions.
“My body reacted with animal panic to coming off Covid-normal cold turkey. I really didn’t expect that. I expected everything to be a bit overwhelming and too loud and too much, but I’m usually good with everything being overwhelming and too loud and too much. I’m a sensitive, physically puny non-neurotypical sort who leads an adventurous life on purpose… But this was different. I would be hit without warning by sudden, objectively hilarious physical shutdowns.”
This was all a bit too relatable for comfort.
Anyway, I’ll worry about “what happens after lockdown” after lockdown. Right now, enough life is still happening to be concerned with.
Sometimes, when it all gets a bit overwhelming, I welcome inane and neutral thoughts to distract myself - this week, my mind has wandered to pleasantly diverting musings such as, “Is Wim Hof hot?”, “How much matcha is too much matcha?”, and" and “I should have left him when I saw him peeling a mango like a potato” - but it’s been impossible to really tune out what’s happening in the world outside my lockdown bubble.
The COVID crisis in India has descended into literal horror. It is unbearable to watch. This week, I’ve been swinging wildly between relief that I cancelled my trip, and despair that my family are there and I’m not with them. There is nothing to do but wait, and that is awful.
It even seems like when there is relief from bad news, it’s only temporary: this week, the much-anticipated and entirely correct Chauvin verdict arrived simultaneously with the news that 16 year old Ma’Khia Bryant was shot to death by the police she had called to help her. Truly a reminder that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
How long it does it take to value a Black life?
9 minutes and 29 seconds–how long Chauvin knelt on George Floyd’s neck.
10 hours–how long the jury deliberated Chauvin’s verdict.
22 seconds–how long it took the cop to shoot Ma’Khia Bryant after he arrived on the scene.
As the news cycle once again spirals into blaming a child for their own death, let’s choose instead to honor the memory of the vibrant, playful life that was stolen, and do our best to let these be the only videos of her that are circulated.
One of the best things I did this past year is sign up to this newsletter. The founder, Nicole Cardoza, welcomes support, but it’s free to subscribe - which blows my mind, because the amount of work that must go into it is staggering. Cardoza and the contributors provide such an easy way to learn every day through incredible generosity of time, effort and spirit.
And on that note -
Things that helped this week
German news
OK, the Mietendeckel sucked. But this was very hope-inducing.
Reading
A great read for women, because we are always getting told to be “more this,” “less that.” (Thanks to Cait for forwarding!)
Podcasts
I don’t have new podast recommendations because I’m still enormously enjoying this one from last week (in between huffing about all the useless things we were taught at school instead of actual, helpful information that would have helped us grow into functional adults, like good communication and healthy relationship skills).
Ethics
This text from my vegetarian boyfriend, who helps me to stay mostly-plant-based through such no-nonsense and irrefutable wisdom:
Fran Lebowitz
I finally started watching Pretend It’s A City, then my friend Chaz sent me this article. Fran Lebowitz is who I want to be when I grow up: totally herself, and not remotely sorry about it. (What’s that like?? Can anyone attest?)
Fun footwear
Apparently I’m tardy to the party but I have only just become aware of these sneakers which were made by women, for women. I just bought my first pair (the style pictured), and if this lockdown doesn’t end soon, so help me I’m going to self-medicate by buying them in all the other fun colourways.
Lilac nails
I will have Spring, whether it wants to arrive or not. This was the shade I wanted, but I couldn’t get my hands on it, so I went for this and I love it. If I have to drag myself through the next week by my claws, at least I can make them pretty.
Cats that helped this week
They mostly sat around watching me, or slept.
There is also the very stressful matter of a pigeon who seems hellbent on making its nest outside my living room window, which I’m heavily discouraging it from doing on the basis that I want to be able to enjoy (eventually) nice weather without the inevitability of my cats flinging themselves from yonder window, and I want the pigeons to enjoy living.
Cats being creepy:
Cats being cute when not creepy:
Last week, my friend Tom said to me, “2021 is a write-off.” “But that’s what we said about 2020!”, I wailed, to which he shrugged.
My point is… What is my point?
What, indeed, is the point of anything? Well, you made it to the end of this newsletter - not everybody did, so to hell with them - and I appreciate you and your support more than you might imagine. A writer, having her words read! What more can I want? You made my week - and that, I suppose, is a point.
Onwards! To what, we cannot know (and we daren’t ask), but I feel as if we might just be doing it together. And that helps.
Peace*,
*In case you ever wonder about this, please be reminded that I grew up in Japan -so every time I say “peace”, in my head I am this hamster: