Some days, you lose your chickens
Tis a sad weekend when the bikini wax was the best part
Hi friends—
This weekend has taken a turn! I wanted to dedicate this update to being neurodivergent, but events have not collaborated with the creative process I had planned (when will I learn??). I’m going to go with it and ask you to meet me where I am today.
I am, unexpectedly, mourning chickens. Specifically, two beautiful hens named Paula and Paulette (I did not name them). Paula and Paulette belonged to my landlord, and lived in the garden of the property we share. Initially, they were confined to an enclosure but recently my landlord decided to let them roam the garden; they were particularly taken with my terrace, and the last time I saw them they were tapping incessantly at my window and peering in at me while I tried to keep a straight face during a call.
Paula was glossy and black, and Paulette was a sassy ginger. They were breathtakingly gorgeous girls. I never thought I could fall in love with chickens, but it was love at first sight and I was delighted every time I glimpsed them out the window; I look out the window a lot, so the last month has been endlessly delightful.
I initially worried the cats would bother them, but after going “What the fuck are those?!” they kept a bemused and respectful distance, even sharing my little terrace together. The four of them were the same size, and it was adorable and entertaining to feel the gentle bodies in my space doubled.
I was out late Friday night and all day yesterday, so didn’t think much of it when I didn’t see Paula and Paulette this weekend. It’s a big garden, and they roost at night. This morning, though, their absence was conspicuous; when I went to feed them and they were nowhere to be seen, I feared the worst. Upon further inspection, I found evidence of a scuffle: a mass of soft red and white down, and some black plumage scattered around. I guess it must have been a fox.
I’m absolutely distraught. My desk faces the garden, with their enclosure at the end of it, and I’ve been glancing up at it all day expecting to see them. It reminds me of my first trip home after Coco, our German Shepherd, died; I walked into the house and immediately started running from room to room looking for her, even though I knew she was gone. The heart doesn’t always comprehend what the mind knows. I had no idea I could be this attached to chickens; in fact, my flexitarian ways have changed since meeting them. While I’m mostly plant-based, I still eat some meat on occasion—but I haven’t been able to eat chicken since loving a couple of them, and I think that’s probably permanent.
The loss is made harder by the apparent indifference of my landlord; when I sent him photographic evidence and a voice note in which I was clearly distraught, he replied, “Oh fuck!” and then proceeded to ask me about an administrative matter. It’s devastating not to be able to grieve with a person who shares your loss.
I wonder if this hurts more because I went through that once before—granted, on a different scale, but it’s still salt in the wound. I lost a pregnancy under difficult circumstances a couple of years ago, and the father immediately divested from both me and the loss. My memory of that time is of excruciating grief exacerbated by isolation and abandonment, and it’s a memory that I can confidently say I have relived, however briefly, daily for the last 2.5 years. At some point in the day, every single day, something innocuous will trigger the memory and my body will fill with it for a moment; then I’ll curse and move on, and wonder if I will ever be able to let go of it completely. Landlords who are reckless with their pets are not a helpful part of healing.
About an hour after this transpired, I was sitting miserably at my desk when I turned around to find Mr Munch on the floor playing with a dead robin. Robins are probably my favourite bird, and I did not handle this well. After I wailed and wrung my hands for a few minutes, I picked up its sweet little body and took it out into the garden. I found a tiny nook at the base of an olive tree where I set him down and pulled some plants over him so he could rest undisturbed.
I came in and googled “dead birds symbology” and discovered it signifies rebirth and new beginnings; this is consistent with many major existential changes I’m in the throes of, so I’ll take it. There were also many other, more terrible, meanings which obviously I’ve decided to disregard. I am at my threshold for terrible today; encouragement and good vibes only, please.
The weekend hasn’t been all horrible. I took myself out on Friday night for another solo date and ended up meeting a group of really fun locals in my favourite bar with whom I spent the rest of the evening. We laughed, we drank, we danced, we argued over politics, ideology, and philosophy (because France). It was perfect.
The next day, I dragged my extremely fragile ass out for lunch and shopping with a girlfriend. We narrowly avoided being sucked into a protest (because France) and then I experienced the most hilariously thorough bikini wax of my life. The aesthetician was an older, very maternal lady named Kathy who asked me many, many questions about myself while she got very, very up close and personal with my parts. It occurred to me that this was the most intimacy I’d had in many months (oh don’t be shocked, you come here for the honesty). At one point, she was shouting about how much she loves Indian food into my cooch, which I think is the most transcendentally funny thing that has ever happened to me or my cooch. Anyway, Kathy got a big tip; I will be dining out on that story for years.
The other day, someone asked me to share my skincare regime. Once you’ve had acne, someone asking you for skincare advice is the ultimate vanity compliment; I battled it from 28 to 36 (adult acne is the absolute worst—just when we thought we’d survived adolescence, it circles back and bites us in the ass?! RUDE) and am devotionally fastidious about my skincare as a result. The most clicked on links in “Things that helped” are always cosmetics, so I guess there are at least a few people here who want this info.
A disclaimer: apart from the acne, I’ve been really lucky to inherit youthful skin from my mom. I’m not about to sit here pretending that I look young because I use some products, like the celebrities who claim they lost all their baby weight by breastfeeding. I’m not going to dick you around like that, but I will tell you what has dramatically improved the quality of my skin and helped to keep it clear.
So firstly, I have learned a lot about the products I use from this Google doc. Like me, Rio suffers from hyperpigmentation, an excess of melanin in the skin that causes discolouration and dark marks. If I get a single spot, you can see it on my face for months after it’s healed; if I credit my recovery from acne scarring to anything, it’s to the kinds of acid-based exfoliants, resurfacing products, and healing emollients that Rio recommends. This is the starting point I’d recommend.
There are a ton of great skincare bloggers, but I’ve found this to be the most simple and helpful resource on ingredients and an easy place to check for information on combining products. There are rules about combining different types of acids, for example, so please do look it up before you use it to avoid burning your skin.
FYI, skin type matters. I used to have oily skin that’s been dry and fragile since the Accutane treatment that finally cleared my skin, so my products skew on the heavy and soothing side. No matte finish for me; I like my skin to look like you can see the light bouncing off of it (in Japanese, we might say “a face like a peeled egg”); my friend Steph once said I “look like a fucking dewdrop” which was the desired effect after I’d spent like an hour hydrating.
Here’s my routine (the below are not affiliate links, just where I usually order from):
AM
Cleanse - I use a gentle, salicylic-acid based wash and clean it off with a damp washcloth (a fresh one every day!), which I’ve also found to be great for gentle exfoliation. I like this one and this one.
Tone - Always alcohol-free with soothing ingredients (nothing that’s going to react with anything else), and ideally tones down redness (I’m also prone to a bit of rosacea). Currently using this, but I like this too. This is a really great gentle one that’s essentially a moisturising water (it’s not showing on the EU website, but you can get it in stores).
Vitamin C - There are a lot of great products on the market but I noticed results as soon as I started using this so I stick with it. It’s a powder, so mix with a drop of water or a toner (the MUJI one is perfect).
Essence - If you can get past the idea of it, this combined with Vitamin C might be the most transformational products you might use. Amazing stuff.
Moisturise - I go heavy, and usually double up. The cream version of the essence is the glowiest product I’ve ever used (you will literally be shining, but not in an oily way) and follow with this plumping number.
SUNSCREEN - The caps are not accidental: If you are using acids, you must use sunscreen. This is my fave, and will also impart an ethereal glow.
PM
Double cleanse - When I was like 36 I noticed that my skin was more dull and congested than it used to be, so I started double cleansing. I start with an oil-based cleanser—right now I use this but I’ve also really liked this—and follow with a foaming cleanser (the same as above, also with washcloth).
Tone - As above.
Treatment - I rotate a selection on different nights: retinol, glycolic acid, mandelic acid, and rosehip oil. FYI: I never combine treatments, and often leave a day between them.
When I have active breakouts, I use this salicylic acid treatment (again, no combining with the others)—one of my biggest learnings has been not to treat acne by burning the shit out of my skin, and this effective, gentle, and hydrating.
When I have one active zit that’s here to give me hell, I cleanse, treat, stick one of these on and then leave it the heck alone.
Hydrate - Unless I’m using an oil-based product, I’ll finish with a moisturiser. My friend Caitlin, who has the glowiness I aspire to, recommended this “sleeping pack” —I like it! Before, I was using this drugstore moisturiser which seems to come out on top of every “best night cream” list.
What’s this? A gift??
Ave & You (of the salicylic acid treatment above) is a woman-owned, Berlin-based startup that offers prescriptive skincare—so you complete an assessment and it offers you a tailored regime that’s right for your skin. I’ve tried a bunch of the products and I love them (especially this).
The founder, Franziska, has been kind enough to share a code—use MEERA for 30% off all products.
Things that helped this week
…will resume next week because I’ve maxed out on recommendations right now.
Cats that helped this week
Aaaand I’m out. To sleep, perchance to dream of sweet hens—or, as Caitlin said to me earlier, to tend to my inner chicken. See you next week, hopefully back to regularly scheduled programming and less cosmic booby traps.
Thank you for gracing me with your sweet souls, beautiful girls:
<3
That sounds like quite the week. Sorry to hear about the little chickens, hopefully they are liberated and happy somewhere out there <3
Sorry about the chickens, mama. <3