We can't positive think our way out of this one

Seeing the things we don't want to see can be the hardest work of all

Apr 18, 2021

Hello friends! This comes to you a bit later than usual - there has been a lot to carry and unpack this week, and I took my time to filter it before sharing with you. That’s why this newsletter is called The Percolate, and not Raw Mush.

It’s been a hard week - the first in a while after a pretty decent run. There is a thing that happens to me regularly where I’ll find just the right combination of self-care, or an amazing new tool, and for a while I’ll be all, “Lo! I am transformed!” Then life will happen and body-check me to the ground, from which vantage point I’ll realise, “Nope, still the same asshole.”

I’m constantly reminded that “who we are when the chips are down” is “who we really are”. I suppose I should be grateful for the opportunity to keep meeting her so I can do better - but man, it’s inconvenient.

On the personal front, I had to cancel my trip home to India to see my parents. In case you haven’t heard, things are very bad in India right now. To say I am disappointed is an understatement, but I am also very worried for my parents, the rest of my family, and my country. Lockdown makes the disappointment even harder.

I’ve been leaning this week on friends who, like me, are People From Somewhere Who Are Now Somewhere Else, aka people whose families live on the other side of the world. They get it, and can offer support without having to say a word. They are the closest thing I have to family where I am.

On the systemic front, we are still living in a dumpster fire. I have tried for three entire days to find words - right now, this is the best I can do.

You probably heard about Daunte Wright and Adam Toledo this week; if not, or even if you just heard about them in passing, please google their names. As you do so, please equip yourself with the following tweet:

🅛🅞🅤 @LouSchu

Racism doesn't usually look like someone shouting slurs, it's looks like people eagerly looking for a reason why a black kid deserved to die

I’m not linking to any stories because the media loves to spin a narrative of mutual culpability that isn’t ever simply, Racist Murderers Murder Racistly. It is a truly rotten system which tries to frame children for their own murder.

I encourage you to listen not to mainstream media, but to people of colour who are talking about this, always, at great cost to mental and emotional wellbeing. (But please respect their space if they’re not.) They are easy to find if you look - here is a start.

For anyone not in the US who thinks this is an “over there” problem - I’m afraid this is incorrect thinking. It is not the US which is racist, it is the system on which the US was built which was racist. It is the same system shared by imperialist countries - we are different trees that share the same roots. Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, an important book we should all read, draws parallels between the US, India and Germany for good reason.

Even if you’re not in the US, this matters. Even if you’re not a racist, this matters.

Angela Davis said,

“I feel that if we don't take seriously the ways in which racism is embedded in structures of institutions, if we assume that there must be an identifiable racist who is the perpetrator, then we won't ever succeed in eradicating racism.”

I understand there may be fatigue and apathy from hearing the same stories over and over again without feeling like there’s anything we can do.

The thing is this:

If you have the choice to opt out - that is precisely your power.

If you can check in and out of an issue that doesn’t affect you personally while looking around for the problem, you’re missing the picture that you’re standing at the centre of. It is not you, but it is the system that you’re in.

What can you do? For a start, please do not opt out. Listen to Lizzo. And sharpen two of the most important tools we have:

1) Listening

2) Learning

So many arguments I’ve had could have been avoided with a simple switch from “Yeah but” or “But I didn’t” to “This is not my area, so please tell me more and I’ll just listen.” When people take a conversation about systemic racism personally, talking to them is like body-slamming ourselves against a wall. It makes what is already a traumatic topic hurt us even more.

And if a person of colour ever makes you aware of something you’ve done that is problematic, that is exactly the time to just listen - they can see something you can’t, and they like you enough to put themselves in an extremely painful position to help make you aware of it.

I can’t begin to tell you how well it reflects on the people who just listen, and take the initiative to educate themselves.

If you’re in Berlin, Love Story of Berlin has a very well-curated and extensive antiracism section - you can’t go wrong by picking up almost anything on the table. I also highly recommend joining Bookshop.org’s mailing list for updates on their incredibly diverse selection, with an emphasis on books by writers of colour.

If you’re only going to read one book, please don’t make it White Fragility by Robin Diangelo. It’s deeply problematic for several reasons, including 1) it allows a white woman to profit from racism and 2) I’ve spoken to enough fragile white people who have read it to know that it’s an excellent resource for keeping white people very comfortable where they are while thinking they have “done the work”.

The fact that this book is a bestseller tells us that white people are more comfortable going to another white person to learn about racism, because they are afraid of having their feelings hurt by a person of colour - ironically, White Fragility perpetuates white fragility. If you intellectualise racism from your comfort zone, then racism remains an outside/“their” problem.

Layla Saad’s Me and White Supremacy is a much better choice. Did the title make you wince? That’s good. The real work is allowing ourselves to be challenged by a person of colour - and I say this as a light-skinned, biracial, South Asian with a ton of my own privilege to unpack. Yes, being challenged is uncomfortable but, as I will never stop reminding us, comfort is not our friend - not if we are committed to growth.

Things that helped this week

Prayer

Big week for prayer! I’m leaning hard into what Anne Lamott says it can be:

I say to God sometimes, “You have got to be kidding! Would it be so much skin off your nose to cut them a little slack?” or, “I’m mad at you and I’m not going to be a good sport about it. How about that!” and that’s prayer. Silence can be prayer; rage can be prayer. It’s truth. It’s all prayer. When we’re talking from the deepest part of our heart - that’s prayer.

Products

Also a big week for frivolous comforts.

I’ve decided that, as far as makeup, medical masks and I are concerned, Eyes Are The New Lips. I’m wearing more colourful eye makeup than I have since I was 16 - this pink liquid eyeshadow is extremely my current vibe.

If you’re a skincare buff and haven’t joined the cult of Rio Viera-Newton’s Skincare Google Doc (or you’re kinda into skincare, but super into spreadsheets), perfecting your routine might be a great lockdown pastime. If you’ve suffered with finicky skin, achieving a problem-free complexion is deeply rewarding.

Books

I needed some levity so I bought three of Samantha Irby’s essay collections and they are exactly the hilarious respite I needed. Her writing is the perfect antidote to aspirational wellness content that makes you feel like you’re doing everything wrong.

Speaking of…

🖕self-care

If you’ve had it up to here with self-care talk, this might resonate - maybe the best things we can do for ourselves are just the things that we like the most.

News

I wouldn’t say this helped my mood, but it certainly gave me a better picture of what the heck is going on with COVID vaccinations in Europe. (Thanks, Shayna!)

Chocolate

Send help - I cannot stop eating this.

Spargel season

My first spring in Deutschland, I learned that Germans get very excited about asparagus. I haven’t perfected the more traditional recipes, but I’m a sucker for a good frittata. Here’s how I made one today:

Fry chopped mushrooms (I used a mix of oyster and brown) and shallots in small batches (I did typo “small bitches”, I caught it but think it’s very important that we remember it happened) til crispy; put aside in a bowl.
Fry asparagus (I chopped mine, but you could leave ‘em whole) in an omelette-sized pan.
Meanwhile, grate some cheese (I had a truffle pecorino and OMG).
When the asparagus is cooked through, throw the mushrooms and onions on top.
Pour over as many beaten eggs as you like.
Cover with the grated cheese.
Let it cook a bit, then stick it under the grill to brown on top.

I can confirm that this is great served with pesto, hot sauce, and a self-satisfied smirk.

Breathing

I’ve been joining my friend Steph for her breathwork classes that combine breath and voice. It’s an amazing way to let off steam and I feel mega relaxed afterwards. Bonus: pets apparently get a big kick out of hearing us make fun noises.

Advice

My friend Caitlin just recommended psychotherapist Ken Page’s podcast which should be required listening for everyone, whether single or in a relationship. It’s full of the kinds of wisdom that has made me spend the last few days yelling, “How has nobody ever told me this?!” into my empty apartment.

If you’re into great advice from amazing experts, you’ll also love the podcast that Caitlin hosts - she’s a phenomenal interviewer with incredible guests. My favourite episodes are with Cheryl Strayed and Seth Godin, and she actually just interviewed Ken Page so I’m v excited for that one to air.