Hi!
Happy February 14th :)
What is today?
Today is a day I have food poisoning from oysters I had on a date yesterday. It is an annoyingly unproductive day because I felt too sick to focus. It was also a very rainy, cold, and gloomy day, although I did get a visitation (twice) this misty morning from a large owl, which felt magical and mystical.
I was reminded on Facebook today that it is also the birthday of my elementary school crush, John, an extremely adorable little boy whose middle name is, equally adorably, “Valentine”; he’s now a very attractive adult man. (He’s also very married.)
In 1779, today was the day Captain James Cook was stabbed in the neck by native Hawaiians for his nefarious colonizing ways—specifically, for attempting to kidnap the ruling chief. Please do not colonize on this, or any other, day.
Three years ago today was the day I had my burnout. I was told yesterday by someone else who’s had a burnout that it’s quite uncommon for people to pinpoint theirs to a specific day—I guess that’s true, although as most people who’ve burned out will probably concur, mine was coming for a very long time before it hit; the runway was long, but the impact was Feb 14. It was the day I started choosing myself, which I think is the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard.
This day three years ago was the start of a little thing called “boundaries” that I’d heard about before but knew very little about, and had certainly never practiced. Because I started setting them, I got selective about my work and started making choices in my best interest. It’s been a rocky process (people-pleasing doesn’t quit easy) but, like I’ve said before, the thing about choosing yourself enough times is that at some point it becomes a non-negotiable; compromising on yourself and your integrity becomes not only intolerable, but impossible. Just last week, I had to set the kind of hard professional boundaries that have become non-negotiable and expected to lose a client; I was so cut up about it but it was the only right thing to do.
A big part of learning to set boundaries is not always expecting people to respect them, and expecting to part ways with those people. So I couldn’t have been more surprised when my client respected my boundaries and we ended up having the best and most candid conversation I’ve ever had with them. I left feeling incredibly heard and valued—and maybe I took that energy into other interactions with clients because I then had the most professionally fulfilling week of my career.
I think that’s mainly what I’m here to talk about today: leading with energy. Mine has shifted in a big way for me lately leading to some big and surprising changes. I didn’t think for a moment that I wished I had Valentine’s Day plans with someone tonight because, quite frankly, I am worn the fuck out.
Lately, romance has been… abundant. I’m dating more easily and more than ever, which I’m constantly surprised by because I’ve always been an uncomfortable dater. I really dislike apps, and have found meeting people IRL frustrating and arduous—I think this is especially true in Germany, and during a pandemic, no less. This might be the foreigner in me, but Germany has always felt to me like a “behind closed doors” culture—pleasure is to be enjoyed in private, or at least in a dedicated space—whereas in France, it’s expressed and enjoyed openly and without shame. Literally, joie de vivre. I have a theory that this is why BDSM is so popular in Germany—because it’s fundamentally rooted in shame; it’s not acceptable out in the open, but great pleasure (and pain) can be taken in private.
Call me basic, but simple, shameless pleasure has always done it for me; nothing turns me on more than honesty and vulnerability, seeing and feeling something as it is. And when it comes to meeting people, there’s just really no substitute for seeing someone in the wild, feeling a little frisson, and then acting on it. Even the flirting that happens digitally afterwards is hotter once you know you have chemistry in real life. Even though I enjoy going out alone, being approached (respectfully) by a curious stranger is something I always welcome.
This has happened every single time I’ve been out recently. It’s been a dramatic shift, because I’m used to not being approached at all—ever, really. But something in the tide has shifted; maybe it’s the onset of Spring, or simply that I’m going out in the French Riviera where people are warmer and more open. My therapist would say it’s me, that my energy has changed and I’ve become more open and available—I can confirm that this, certainly, is true.
The past month has been something of an awakening for me. There was a definite intention behind getting out of Berlin and coming to the South of France; like an intentional movement from the dark to the light. The sunshine has helped, and also therapy. I’ve made lifestyle changes such as not keeping wine at home—if I want to have a drink, I go out, which forces me to be more social. I’ve also been rereading this book which, combined with my HSP therapist, has helped me to understand ways in which I’ve been keeping myself safe—but also small. What I’ve started to realise is that more than wanting to feel safe, I want to feel alive.
I’ve been encouraging myself to be more “out” than “in” (big deal for a highly-sensitive introvert). I’ve been listening to a lot of music, I’ve been dancing frequently, and I’ve been working out a lot. I’ve got out of my head and into my body where, it turns out, I feel pretty damn sexy (you can miss a lot when you’re in your head the whole time).
I guess it’s helping. I’ve met at least one guy on every solo date I’ve been on, and I’ve met other guys while on those dates (ain’t no shame in the game, fam). The men are all super intelligent, talented, interesting, and charming, and the interaction alone tickles my curiosity bone just right.
Not all of the dates were great—one, a designer at a major French fashion house, had to go up to his room halfway into our date… and never reappeared. They were playing really great music at the hotel bar that night and I have a heavy flirtation going on with their sommelier, so I thought little of his disappearance and had a great night—only the next day did it occur to me that he might have expected me to follow him up to his room.
Listen… In the scheme of dating priorities, good music is at the top and sex with a strange man who’s put in zero effort is very low down on the list.
So anyway, the combination of feeling myself and feeling other people1 has unlocked something I didn’t know I needed. Suddenly, possibilities seem abundant. I talked to my therapist last week about my serial monogamy, aka my pattern of overcommitting too early and then asking myself four years into the relationship how the heck this happened. Her advice was this: to diffuse my affections so they’re not disproportionately focused on any one man, so that I may be far more discerning when I meet someone I actually want to commit to.
In short, my therapist’s professional advice to me was, basically, to take more lovers. Have I told you I love my therapist?
We talked about a lot of other problematic relationship patterns that I’m still unpacking but that definitely merit being shared sometime—a lot to do with keeping myself small and giving away my power, so we have some juicy future topics to get into there as I embark on my hoenaissance.
Is this about to turn into a dating column? I can’t say; however, I will say this:
Don’t date a writer if you don’t want to be written about.
Do date us if you like life to be interesting. If there’s one thing a writer loves, it’s a great story.
Songs I’m feeling this week
I’ve been back and forth on Spotify as many artists I respect pull their content from the platform—but I’ve yet to hear anyone concur on a good alternative, so I still have my account. Thoughts welcome!
Things that helped this week
Working out
I read this profile of Meagan Good in the new year where she talked about being in the best shape of her life at 40 (how in God’s name is this woman 40??)—let’s face it, Meagan Good has always been fine with a capital FAHN, but hearing her talk getting into fitness post-35 was inspiring.
I’ve never been into working out, and really admire friends who are; one of my best friends lifts, and another one just ran a damn marathon. Like… I don’t know that life, but I want to?? I’ve been doing yoga for years but it’s just not cutting it anymore, and I’ve recently discovered that I really love circuit training because it works with my attention span which is exactly 45 seconds long. I’ve been using this app and just subscribed to this program, and am very tentatively trying out this other program my friend Caitlin recommended which has very specific, intense results. Mainly, I feel great, which is the desired result.
Jason Reynolds
Not the first time he’s made it on this list, won’t be the last. Hearing him talk, period, is a dream—but this conversation with Roxane and Tressie was beyond. I think everyone should listen to what he says about what drives his work (start at about 33 mins).
New underwear
Remember last summer when I was whining about GAP discontinuing my favourite briefs? I finally found a style I love even more. I cannot stop buying them, help.
Clothes that fit
With the exception of Levi’s 501s, I’ve never been able to find jeans to fit my booty; they always do that waist-gape thing. Recently I found a pair of jeans I loved that more or less fit, and then the store offered to alter them for me. Well, now they fit. And now I’ve started taking everything I own with a waistband to a tailor and my clothes suddenly fit. Who knew about this?
Smart friends
The bane of my admin as a freelancer is data entry for accounting purposes. Manually calculating percentages is a wildly inefficient use of my time and maybe you’re reading this like, “oh there’s an app for that” but I don’t know about any apps, so I went to my friend Maru who’s an Excel whiz and she automated the shit out of my spreadsheets. It is beautiful—not only did she make it look pretty but I only have to do the bare minimum, which is exactly how I like my accounting. Ask your friends for help: it is the smart thing to do.
Lovely hotels
Give me a hotel bar over any other kind of bar any day. Specifically, this one. Obsessed with this place, their wine, their music, their glasses, their vibe.
Tapping
…As in, EFT tapping. My friend Brandi (possibly the thing I love most about my girlfriends is we’re all on this growth journey together) asked me if I’d tried it and sent me a video. I’ve heard of it but never learned how to do it, but she prompted me to learn, and… may I say, colour me impressed. And possibly, transformed? Anyway, I’m going to keep doing it and see what happens 👀
Cats that helped this week
Last week was super stressful in parts and these two really came through. Especially in lieu of chickens :’(
Happy Valentine’s Day to you all, my loves! Thanks for making time for me every week—you truly make me so happy <3
Bisous!
Mother, I told you not to read this